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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

"Natural" = nothing

Do you ever just say, "What the crap!"

No?  Well you should start.

"Pray tell, why?" Thou sayeth to me.  

"Becauseth", say I.  "The word 'natural' now means absolutely, positively, completely and wholly nothing."

"Natural" is a word that the conglomeration of industries slap on to their bottles, boxes, bags, and other packaging materials in a marketing strategy effort to deceive the masses into thinking that what they're buying is totally awesome.  And healthy.  And great.

I am here to tell you that, no, my dearies, do not fall in with that fold.  Do not go astray.  It would be baaaaaaaaaaad (that's a sheep noise). reports that many BABY shampoos and washes contain the extremely toxic ingredients of formaldehyde and 1,4-dioxane.  See the list right-o here-o: .  

Part of it is that the FDA (and other oh-so-very-special-agencies-with-acronyms) does not regulate the word "natural", so you can put it on anything.  You could legally put "natural" on pretty much everything.  So, great and awesome and lovely companies do just that.  That's mainly because most people are complete morons.  (If you are reading my blog, you are clearly NOT a moron.)

This spans food, health products, hair and body glops, the whole nine.  The thing is filled with preservatives, chemicals and poison and they're all like, "New Poisonberry Crunch BHT!  Totally natural!"  Riiiiiiight.  Awesome.  I'm so buying it.

Do you know why they get away with this?  (Cry out with me, "WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!???")

Because, me lovies, most people don't read the ingredients label.  Seriously.  I know.  You're like, what?  How could people not read the ingredients label!?  

Wait, what?  

Did you just say that YOU don't read the ingredients label?  Well, girlfriend/homeboy, you betta start!

Seriously, they are cramming crap in there at flamboyant rates.  If it has an abbreviation/acronym, there's a reason.  They are trying to keep it a secret.  I guarantee you can look that puppy up and it will have its own MSDS sheet and give you hazmat info.  

One time I looked up some ingredients in the cosmetics I had.  I looked it up on MSDS and it said to keep away from mucus membranes.  MUCUS MEMBRANES!  It was something like lipstick or mascara.  Good thing those don't get near any openings in your face.  That would be dangerous.  Yeah.  Um what?!  Good plan.  

What the crap!  Exactly.

See, told you.

If you have any shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, deodorant, lotion, cosmetics, hair styling product, etc., let me encourage you to test it into the EWG (Environmental Working Group) website.  You will thank me later.  After you die of horror initially, that is.  It really should be a crime for them to market total poison so you can slather it  all over your largest organ, but, alas, it is not.  Maybe that's because those companies are besties with the governmental agencies that are supposed to regulate them.  (It's like an ironic sick joke!  Ha ha ha.  <-- That's a very un-hearty laugh there.)

Here, check it out:

You will be so unpleasantly surprised.  I'm sorry, I know.  You're like, YEAH THANKS, AWESOME, could you please come and rain on my sunshiney day some more please!? Yeay, I come here, wanting to be entertained and you're  just telling me I'm being poisoned.  Great.  HA HA HA.  I LOVE YOU.  THIS IS SO FUNNY I CAN'T STAND IT.

I know.  But think about it this way - if I didn't tell you, I wouldn't really be a very nice friend, would I?  I'd just let you go about your sunshiney day with sodium laurel/laureth sulfates on your head and in your mouth from your shampoo and toothpaste and you'd just die a slow, evil, cancerous death and then where would your sunshine be?  

What the crap!

See?  It's really a very useful phrase.  You'll get used to it.

(Apparently especially if you keep reading this blog.)

So, I dare you.  Do it.  Go grab a shampoo bottle and plug it in to the EWG.  Then have a party and grab some cleaning products.  Then grab your lipstick (no, not you, homeboys.) and your mascara and your foundation and your...whatever else you use...and check it out.  I told my mama-in-law to try hers and she thought she would be set because she uses expensive stuff.  But, NO!  They even poison you if you like to spend a lot of money.  And you know for sure if you're using Wet N'Wild, you're pretty much going to die in ten minutes.  Not to be dramatic.  Or anything.

What the crap!

Hee hee!

Okay, okay, okay.  Let me know.  How did your stuff measure up?

Until next time - peace, love and a whole lotta what the crap,
Ms. Daisy

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