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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Saran Wrapping a Lawn: Concrete Evidence of Insanity

Let's talk about how to make your neighbors think that you are absolutely, certifiably, and completely nutso in the head-o.

What?  Do I have experience in this area?  Funny you should mention it, because, why YES, I DO!

Let me begin by saying that I love a good lawn.  I suppose I love a good garden even more (UK-ers - lawn = garden; garden = the place you grow flowers and veggies).  After I watched that video from that lady from the U.K. (speaking of which!), I would one day consider turning my lawn into a food plot, but for now, I'm still growing grass.

Anyway.  My grass is HORRIBLE.  This makes me sad.  I try to fix it but I refuse to put bomb salad on it (chemical fertilizer.  You do know that's where they got that from, right?  No, literally.  It's the same stuff that's in bombs.  After the second World War, they had to figure out what to do with the ultracrap and saw it killed weeds and greened up your grass real nicey-nice like.)  

So the main problem is my dog (speaking of ultracrap).  My dog has this special problem. shall I say it...has liquid poo six times a day.  It kills grass.  Nearly instantly.  So the backyard has a myriad of brown spots.  The front yard is utterly murdered because of the large tree that sucks up all of the water instead of sharing it with the grass.  

One thing is a must - even though I may have a crunchy brown lawn, I insist on having it edged.  Nothing is worse than when the grass hangs over the crack of the sidewalk or driveway.  It's like a kid who has hair so long it's hanging over his ears in an unsightly manner.  (I can't stand that either.)  It lets me be in control of something in the horrid world of crispy crunch lawn.

Did you just tell me to water it?  Oh my goodness, you are so smart.  I can't bear to have that high of a water bill, though, so thanks anyway.

So instead I've done something else.

Go ahead, it's time to get worried.

So my brother was an engineer in his past life and rubbed shoulders with other such folk.  They like nothing more than to do crazy experiments on things to figure out what works best.  One of his buddies did such an experiment on his lawn.  He got plastic cups and filled them with different soils, put them in different areas (shade, sun, half, etc.), did different stuff with them.  He found that the best growing one was when it had its own personal greenhouse.  What does this look like?

It looks like saran wrap on your lawn pinned down with toothpicks.

So that's what I did.  

You basically dig up some ground, add your seed and water it up and then cover over it with your fancy schmancy handy dandy plastic wrap.  

Now you're thinking, hmmm, that's kind of interesting.

What my neighbors were thinking was, "SHE'S kind of interesting.  She's pinning saran wrap onto her grass.  I knew she was weird, and now I have empirical evidence."

They slow down and stare and elbow the passenger in the car.  The people walking their dogs stop and scratch their heads.  I am nearly as special as an Ohioan.

Oh, but soon, very soon, I am hoping for little green sprouts.  

So my dog can kill them.

Insanity is really hard to get rid of.  But for now, you'll have to excuse me, I'm going to go check on my saran wrapped lawn.

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