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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My Top Reasons to Hate Ohio

So, here I am, driving through the great U.S. of A. on my way to Virginia.  It is a lovely trip.  Well, minus the part about driving through Ohio. 

Ohio is a special land.  Very.  Filled with...special things.  Like the most boring scenery you have ever seen in your life.  Like you might want to just stop off at one of their fast food chain restaurants to get a plastic fork so you can poke your eyes with it.  That kind of boring.

Now this wouldn't be so hideous (although hideous actually might be an understatement) if you could just zoom on through it.  No, no, no.  In Ohio, they want you to ENJOY their special ed state by making you go the speed of a blind and lame wombat throughout their land.  They have a special 65 mph speed limit.  Some places have a 55 mph speed limit!  For real.  When was the last time your state had that?  Like 1991?  Something like that, I bet.  Ohio is sooooo 1990...or something. 

Look!  Ohio is hangin' with the times!  Go fast, go 55!
If you try to go quickly through it (or shall I say "quicker" - since we all know that quickly would not apply in this case), you will be greeted by their apparent  #1 most populous profession of the special state: a state police officer.  These people are so plentiful that they can space them out every twelve feet or so along the highway.  You can count miles by them.  (In Estelle Costanza's voice:) "George, look, we must have gone a whole mile by now!  I've counted fifty police officers! It's only taken us fourteen minutes!"

Georgey boy!  Watch your driving!
I actually don't have anything against police officers, just to make it clear.  I'm just amazed that there are THAT many of them.

Then, you can drive down the expressway with views of interesting companies with names like GROB.  Have you ever watched Ren and Stimpy?   Remember the "log commercial"?  Sing along with me - it's GROB, it's GROB, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood - it's GROB, it's GROB, it's better than bad, it's good!  Hi, I work for GROB and my name is Bob. My boss' name is Borg.  We report to Brog.  The other guy who works here is Barf.  Or Bart.  Whatever.  So, that was some good entertainment.  For like four minutes.

Oh!  But wait!  If you want to be entertained - you need to watch for decorated overpasses.  It is very important in Ohio to decorate your overpasses.  I think maybe there is a special and secret competition.  I think the (plentiful) state police come around and give you a ticket if you didn't decorate your bridge fancily enough.  They have large city names plastered across them (because exit signs are clearly not enough) and sometimes they design plants in a pattern around them.  It is very special.   I wonder if the state police vote you off of the island if you don't sass up your overpass.

Have I mentioned the toll roads?  Oh, silly toll roads.  Great idea for the government, though.  Here, pay some taxes and we'll fix up the roads.  Hold up, homeboy!  Oh, you want to drive on it?  That's not how we roll here the Ohio!  You've gotta pay up.  Suckas!!!  You didn't think you'd get to actually driiiive on it just because you paid the taxes to build it in the first place, right?  It's like a roller coaster at the fair.  And in Ohioland, you just pay up every time you want to ride that special ride.  Aren't we having fun now?

There's also special places like Cleveland. If you haven't seen the youtube on Cleveland (Julie D - you've GOTTA see this one), you are missing out.  "See our river that catches on fire, it's so polluted that all our fish have A.I.D.S., our main export is crippling depression, don't slow down in East Cleveland or you'll die..."  I won't take away the surprise punchline.  It's a good one.  And it's true.

The last two are equally disturbing in our quest of the exploration of Ohioland. 

A buck eye.  Of course.

One, easy to guess: Ohio State University.  (shudder)  There's really nothing left to say besides everyone is proud to be a "Buckeye".  A buck's eye?  Of a deer?  Um, okay.  Cool.  And the colors are red and white.  Like a bloodshot eyeball.  You're even tiring out the deer in your state, for crying out loud!  Unless you mean a dollar's eyeball.  Which maybe has something to do with your toll roads.  You sure are proud of those things, eh?  Good job, Ohio government.

The second, a billboard I saw.  It shows a picture of a farmer out in his field.  The bold and main words are something like, "Supporting our local farmers."  The bottom?  One word.  One crippling, horrifying, murderous, lying, malicious and giant piece of propoganda: "Monsanto."  I am sure that many have screamed the aghast screams of incredulosity in that space - and I joined the ranks with a hysterical cry (and a wild slapping of the dashboard) in that moment and in that very special place.  This very sign in itself contains enough bunk in it that a whole blog ought to be dedicated to it.  Perhaps I shall.  Later.

Found on  What the billboard ought to have said...

So you see, Ohio has a lot to offer.  Whenever you feel the need to pay to drive on a street or see a police officer every fifteen seconds along the expressway or if you're just in the mood for checking out good ol' GROB, a fancy bridge or a Monsanto billboard, it's just a hop, skip and a jump away.  Once you're in, it will feel like decades of your life have passed by - so take the time to enjoy every special second. 

In full 1990 fashion.


  1. I was sucked into this hell nearly 15 years ago when my husband took a job 'promotion'. I have never been able to escape this hell where strange hill folk with 1980's hair worship a nut with legs. I've even considered leaving my husband to escape. One positive, if you can find a good department store all good name brands are clearance because people here don't know what they are!

  2. Hey jab,

    There are no words. Every one of us feels for you. Driving through that place was torture enough, but to LIVE there? God bless your poor soul. I think you will receive more jewels on your crown in heaven for withstanding the absolute torture on earth. Condolences, my friend. Maybe you can pack up your family and move them somehow without them noticing? I know - it sounds like utter insanity - but the thought of living in Ohio drove me to it!

    Live in hope. Maybe one day you will be free of it.

    Until then, enjoy the stores.