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Friday, October 5, 2012

Knock down, drag out, remember the Alamo, it's an election year!

If you've heard in the news lately, you may have noticed that in the good ol' U.S. of A. here we've got what you'd call a big ol' full on political fight.  Yes, my dearies, it's an election year.  The time in our country where people dig out their bumper stickers, get into loud shouting matches and check their brains at the door (and forget the pick up ticket) so they, too, can jump on their favorite 100%-always-right-political-party boat while it sinks to the bottom of the ocean.  

Good plan.

We have these two main parties that fight for the spotlight and point out how the other party is totally el wrong-o.  One party gets blamed for being in love with rich people, another party is blamed for being in love with murdering babies, both of them promise you (cross their heart and hope to die) that they'll never in their entire life ever even think about raising taxes on you (pinkie swear, stick a needle in my eye).  How's that working out for yas?

It's also the time that you can play everyone's favorite game: The Reagan Tally!  Whoever says "Ronald Reagan" the most, wins.  Bonus points are given for whoever makes a better smirk at their opponent.  Smirking must always be done as you look away and downward, half an extra bonus point if you shake your head (pretending you're meaning, "Oh-you-are-so-el-wrongo" to the public, but on the inside thinking, "I gotta think up a really great whopper to get out of this one.  Maybe I can talk about...taxes and healthcare, that will steer 'em off of this sticky stink!").

You can usually pick your political party based on your race or religion or sexual orientation.  Those all carry some weight.  If you're a teacher or any other type of union worker, you've got yours picked for you also.  Are you pro-life?  Well, get into your category.  Nobody anymore really actually thinks about those pesky little whiners in the back of their own head, namely their own thoughts.

People on the radio and the nightly news are making those decisions for you and you can just smile, clap and get on board with them, because that (quite frankly) takes a lot less effort than having to go through all that hard thinking garbage.  Thinking!  It's for the birds.  

(Put a bird on it! - Portlandia ...sorry.)

I love also how the main political candidates pretend that they are regular, normal, Joe Schmoes.  This is actually my favorite part of the whole thing.  "My grandmammy always used to tell me, 'Sonny! You gotta eat yer grits and grow big and strong or yehs won't be able to work up at the factory like Uncle Bob!'"  Lookie here, me smarties, get real - they couldn't tell you the amount it took to fill up their Hummer/private limo/Aston Martin/private jet airplane for the literal life of them.  They wouldn't be able to tell you the price of a gallon of milk (neither hormone-laden nor organic), a stick of butter, a loaf of bread (Aunt Millies OR Ezekiel), or what regular human people pay for their Payless shoes.  (They don't even know what Payless Shoes IS.)  It's pretty much like Andy Bernard asking Darryl if he should pretend he grew up in an apartment.  Or if that's too harsh.

I wonder how long it will take for people to see that maybe, just MAAAAAYBE, the candidates and the parties with which they are involved are only putting the questions out there that they want you to think about.  I know that many of you think of the Dems and the Repubs (new word, yes, thank you) as polar opposites.  That might be because they're opposite on the topics they present to you and would like you to talk amongst yourselves about (I'm feeling verklempt!).  

It's like being a parent.  You give your kid two options, neither of which you care that much about and either one is just dandy cakes.  "Johnny boy, do you want to scrub the floor or wash the toilet?"  Great.  That's kind of different from, "Johnny boy, do you want to eat ice cream for dinner or would you like some yummy vegetables?"  Now we're on a different planet and one isn't really where you want to go.  

I wonder if they'll get into it about audting the Fed or why corn is subsidized, why they think it's a good idea Monsanto is the FDA, or why it's best that the government is making out with McDonalds in the back room while they stand on the front porch and yell at the masses for being such a bunch of Fatty McGhees.  Perhaps they'll talk about the gold standard.  Or maybe they'll talk about the freedom to drink your favorite kind of milk.

I know that seems  But my point is this - if they can get all up in your business between your glass and your lips, who knows where they'll try to go.

But most people don't care about any of that.  They've got an iphone, satellite tv, a car that talks to them and pretends it's their friend, and every type of entertainment and distraction you can think of.  They don't need to think of weighty matters because such nonsense would interfere with the next season of the Bachelorette and Dancing With The Stars and every teenage vampire tv show on the CW.

You see, my dearies, our sad little country is (mostly) filled with people who think only about how the government is going to help them and fill up their pockets with leprechaun gold nuggets and rain down blueberry surprise Kool-Aid from the sky for them.  My peeps, I know that we will be affected by a myriad of decisions and we want to protect our families and help them in the best way possible, but perhaps, JUST PERHAPS - we should think about how everything is going to pan out for the good of the country and our future - based on our actual, oh, I dunno, Constitution.  No?  You don't care about that?  Okay, cool.  Good idea.

Whatever you do, I beg you to think.  I beg you to research candidates.  I implore you to think about what you believe FIRST before being convinced by MSNBC/Fox/Rush Limbaugh/CNN/Rachel Maddow, et al.  You can do it.  God made you different, he made you special and he gave you your own brain.  

And please remember - above all - those peeps out there care about one thing more than anything else in the whole wide universe: getting to live in a special white house over in the D.C. area and get to fly around in a special plane named Air Force One.  They will do and say anything to you, for you, with you so that they can make their dream come true.  This, my darlings, is something you mustn't forget.  As they speak to you, filter it through their numero uno goal.

Think.  You never know what could happen when you do.  You might even change the world.  

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