2. Why do children get louder when you answer the phone? Why does it sound like they are killing screaming animals when you take a business call? ("I'm sorry, I can't hear you, it's just I'm standing here...in...a...um, nature center...where a wolf is...uh, eating a cat and a screech owl at the same time...")
3. Why do children pretend they don't like something that they like when they are grumpy? You want grumpy? I'll give you a big fat reason to be grumpy! Did you just enrage the Mom Monster?! Guess what?! You just lost at life!
4. How much therapy do you think children will need from comments like, "Well, if you keep that up, I'll probably end up punching you in the throat/selling you to the gypsies/secretly moving to Italy/lighting that X-box on fire, so make a good decision please, thanks."
5. How many times do you think you can feasibly answer the same question or say the same thing until you literally go straight up nuts?
6. Is it wrong to record your whining child and threaten to put it on youtube?
7. Why are the offspring of your own body so entirely and completely different from each other that you wonder if they have been abducted by aliens and given brain transplants?
8. Why is private school SO FREAKIN' EXPENSIVE? It's not even that good!
9. What time is the official time it is okay to start drinking ice wine on any given day? (They sell it at the grocery store...no more need of Canadian vacationers...)
And the best thought: These are my monkeys, this is my circus, I only have a decade left to straighten it all out. Awesome.
Peace, love, and of course everything is just fine, why do you ask?