Search it!

Friday, September 11, 2015

On Being Invisible

A lot of my readers always ask me the age old question, "Dearest Ms. Daisy, have you figured out the secret of being invisible?"  Well, kind readers, you're in luck, because I'm here today to tell you that I just figured it out.

In order for this to work, you're going to need to have two things going on.  First, you need to be female.  Second, you need to have (or borrow) some children.  You may think this bizarre, but let me explain it by anecdotal evidence in at least three different scenarios.

Scenario 1: The bike store

Not invisible:  Walk into the independently owned bike store being female and having no children present, and you will receive quick attention and help.  Several people will offer to show you around to different bikes, can I help you, what are you looking for, would you like to go on a ride with me later because I can teach you how to bike faster (not kidding).  When you do make a purchase, you get random discounts (20% off?!  For me?!  Thanks!).  

Invisible:  Walk into the bike store with children.  Tell your children not to touch anything or run around.  Wait five minutes for help.  Sweat profusely because you are sure any minute your little darlings might tip over a $3,000 bike and break it.  You might get a discount if you come back alone when you pick up your freshly tuned-up bike.  Good luck.

Scenario 2:  The grocery store
He wasn't this old. He was 40ish. Just in case you wondered.

Not invisible:  Walk into the grocery store being female and having no children present, the greeter tells you, "I know you've told me before (um, not really), but what is your name again?  I promise to remember it this time."  You tell them your name, then they go get you a cart and ask if you need help finding anything.  You do your shopping then attempt to exit the store quickly, avoiding eye contact with said greeter, but as you walk through the exit, the greeter yells out while waving bye to you, "Have a nice day, and remember to drive safely, (your name)!"  (Uh, thanks.  You too?)

Invisible:  Walk into the grocery store with children.  Tell your children not to touch anything or each other.  Walk much faster than they can so that they don't have time to stop and fight with each other in the aisles.  Wish you could stand there and read the labels longer.  Use the U-scan, exit the store, unnoticed.

Scenario 3:  The gas station

Not invisible:  Pull up to the pump, no children in vehicle.  Get out, swipe card.  Be interrupted.
Man on other side of pump:  Hey, how are you doing, do you want some free gas?  I have $6 left over, you can have it, just here, put it in your tank.
Me: (On phone: Hey, honey, I'll call you back.) What?  Really?  What do you mean?  How is it free?  Can't you use it?
Man: Well, I mean, I'd have to walk all the way (ten steps?) into the gas station and get my $6 and I'd rather just give it to you.
Me:  Umm, really?  Are you sure?
Man:  Yes, here!  So...
Me:  Awesome!  You're so nice!
Man:  (Clears throat.)  I, uh, helped that lady over there, you know.  She needed a few bucks to get home and I gave it to her, yeah, I mean, I do that kind of thing now and again.
Me:  Oh!  Wow.  That's very nice of you.  (Getting free gas.)  Thanks for the gas!
Man:  (Big inhale, chest sticking out.)  Yeah, no problem, you have a nice day!
Me:  Thanks!  You too!
Call honey back: Dude, I just got $6 in free gas by some random guy.
Me: (oh emm gee, just my saran wrap dress, why does it matter?) Black leggings and a striped shirt.
Hubby:  Oh.  Okay.
Me:  You think my face isn't cute enough to get free gas or what?
Hubby:  Not what I meant.
(Me:  I could really make him dig himself into a hole here and that might be fun, but I am too excited about getting free gas to pursue this at the moment.)

Invisible:  Pull up to gas station with children in car.  Pump gas.  Drive away.   Oh, wait, what?  You were at the gas station?  Huh, didn't see you.

There you have it.  Basically, if you want to fly under the radar, you grab some grubby little tykes and have them follow you around wherever you go and you can instantly disappear.  It's like the cloak of invisibility you never knew really existed.

If you are male, you will probably never be invisible, and if you bring your children with you, every woman in a ten mile radius will look at you with kindness and awe, because you must be a really good Dad, and that will make women stare at you and smile.  It's better than walking around with a puppy.

Another riddle solved.

Peace, love, and random discounts,
Ms. Daisy

No comments:

Post a Comment