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Monday, June 3, 2013

Making Mayo

Hey dearies, how the heck are ya?  Guess what I did today?  I made mayonnaise!  

Did you just say I'm so weird?  Well, like that's a surprise.

Anyway, my mayo quest began as I dove into the horrors of safflower oil and canola oil.I knew about the evil-ness of canola oil first, so I sought after a mayo that didn't contain that ingredient.  Let me tell you that there is about one whole product on the market that fits that criterion.  

It was safflower oil mayo.  I bought it to try it out to stray away from the dangers of the other man-made oil, but shortly after that, I discovered (quite disturbingly) that was also horrible.  So, what to do?

Stop eating mayo?  The thought crossed my mind.  But I know the hubby would not have that.  He can't live without saucy things (like me).  And what about forever saying goodbye to potato salad?  And egg salad?  And oh, sad.  No.  I must forge on.  So I looked online.  There was this family (I think?) that made homemade mayo and it was approved by Sally Fallon!  Holy smokes, Batman, get me on this!  Two problems, though.  One - it cost about $10.  (This is not going to be so great, especially after the shipping cost.  How am I going to explain THAT one to the hubby?  "Yes, this $15 mayo is so good for you, we need it, even though I could have purchased about five jars of mayo twice the")  Two - it was completely and utterly out of stock and it seemed that it had been for about oh, a year.  Even if I wanted to throw my $15 their way, I couldn't.

Back to the drawing board.

We had forged through a couple meals without it (the poor burgers looking all pathetic without their mayo and ketchup combo), but today the hubby was coming home for lunch and he wanted a turkey sandwich.  It would have been me out on the streets if I didn't come up with something - and fast.  (He's oh-so-mean.  You can imagine.  "Your Honor, I had to put her out.  There was no mayonnaise.")

So I grabbed one of my flavorite books on how to make things that you didn't even know you could make (like marshmallows!) and opened up to the mayo page.  (By the way, you need this book.  It's called Can It, Pickle It, Cure It and it is by Ten Speed Press - and can I just say that Ten Speed Press has THE BEST BOOKS out.  I love these people.  My favorite tea book is published by them - The Story of Tea among several others that are amaze-tastic.  Seriously, ya can't go wrong.  Or at least, I haven't found a yuck one in their whole pile yet.)  Now, being that they are not me, their mayo recipe has (bum da baaa) canola poison oil in it and that was obviously what I was avoiding, so I had to improvise.  

Yeah, that's the whole thing.  Recipes, to me, are kind of like general suggestions.  I look at a recipe and say, huh, yeah, that would work.  But I'm going to do it my way like this instead.  So that's what I did with the mayo.

They called for a cup of canola oil (oh my gosh! bleaaah!), so I switched it out for a combination of two actually heart healthy oils - coconut oil and olive.  (Are you making yuck faces?  It actually wasn't that bad.)  I didn't want to be too olive-y because that is such an overpowering taste that you have to be in love with olives to go full-blown on a solely-olive oil mayo.  Even the ones that are on the shelf that say "olive oil mayo" are mostly canola with a hint of olive in them.

Okay, so here's what I did.  

1.  In a food processor, put in: 1 egg yolk (from those chickens you know down the street, if you're using CAFO junky crap eggs, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself, those things are as bad as canola oil - no seriously, do yourself a favor, go online and find a local eatwild website and get yourself some eggs.), a splash (ish) of lemon juice (not the kind with sodium benzoate and citric acid in it, you don't need benzene, your dearest carcinogen, in your mayo) - I guess they said 2 tablespoons (if you're into measuring stuff), a couple rick-ricks of sea salt (that is the sound I make when I'm grinding salt out) and a mini-squirt of mustard.  Turn on your food processor until everything is a glorious yellowish messy puddle.

2.  In a warm pot, (77 degrees or warmer) put in your blend of olive oil and your coconut oil (mine was a solid so I had to get it to liquid).  I think I did about half and half?  It came out to something like a cup all together.  Who knows.  I don't measure.

3.  THIS PART IS SO IMPORTANT.  Add the smallest bitty drop of your oil mix into your spinning processor.  Let it work with your oil for an inappropriately long time.  Then add another drop or two.  Like for real.  DO NOT add more than a tablespoon at a time.  It will wreck it and you will have to start over.  It has to emulsify the oil by getting plenty of air bubbles and mixies going on a little at a time.  This takes the longest part of the time in your recipe, but if you screw it up, it's over.  I've screwed it up many times.  If you have a puddle, it's because you poured in too much oil at once.

While you're mixing it up, you can sing a song like, "I'm not eating poison today on my saaaaandwich, I'm soooo fancy I make my own maaaaayo..."  I am not 100% sure but I think it helps.

And then, blamo.  You have mayo.  It's not going to be all canola oil-y tasting (thank the LORD), and it is going to be good for your body.

If you want, you can add some garlic in the mixins for some garlic mayo or whatever kind of fancy stuff you like (some of that dill from out of your garden, maybe?).  The possibilities are endless.  Well, sorta.  Probably don't want to put watermelon in there. That would be weird.  But maybe you like mayo on your watermelon.  That's weirder than me, man.  You totally win the weird award.

So that's it!  Go have yourself a merry little turkey sandwich time!

Peace, love and spread the mayo,
Ms. Daisy

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