Just finished up yet another child torture, oh wait - I mean - HAIRCUT session. Really? Is it really that horrible to get a haircut?
Is it painful? No.
Does it take a long time? Only if you wiggle off the chair and fall onto the ground.
WHYYYY is it so torturous to get a haircut, for the love of all that is good and decent, someone please tell me!? Seriously. It's like this:
Me: Your hair is getting long, I'm going to have to give you a haircut soon.
Offspring: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, whyyyyyyyyyyyyy, nooooooo!!!!! (Falling onto the ground, writing as if in pain.)
Offspring: (no answer, still writhing around on the ground)
So what I usually do is make them sit on the front porch and get a haircut. This means that they will have an audience of neighbors and are not quite as apt to pretend the act of having their hair cut is going to put them into a state of anaphylactic shock or straight on to death and paralysis (or whatever that is). Downside: neighbors think I am torturing children out on the front porch due to the large amounts of squalking and flailing.
I used to try to console them and encourage them that their hair was going to benefit baby birds everywhere, yes! The mommy and daddy birds would love to have some soft hair in their nest to welcome their baby birds! Isn't that sweet? Your hair will help the poor unfortunate wildlife. But meh, they can't even hear this explanation anymore over their hyperventilating panic at the thought of getting a haircut.
When I gave haircuts to my eldest as a wee tiny itty bitty tot, I would have to do acrobatics to get this little yet strong-willed person to sit still. This usually involved me straddling the said offspring over a folding chair with half of that mini-body through the opening in the back of it. Ah, such fond memories.
Although the offspring are much older now, it is still quite as unpleasant. I don't have to do straddling anymore, just a lot of, "Look up. Sit still. Turn. Sit still. Look up. Sit still."
It's more "sit still"-ing than you'd use in 90 minutes of church.
I do ponder taking them for haircuts, would that make it less horrid? I suppose it would for me, but would they act like goofball sauce to a stranger? It's less likely (although it is possible). But paying for a haircut, yeeks. The thought keeps me enduring the torture.
I suppose I am quite the only person in the entire world who has children who respond in such a way toward haircuts so I will end my rant and now suffer quitely in a dignified manner.
Peace, love and sit still,