Martha Stewart broke up with me.
It is as horrible a day as the day I found out that Petite Sophisticate was going out of business.
Disturbing. Doesn't she know I don't like change? The audacity of her! And after all these years.
She never even told me she was having problems, I just got this letter.
A letter! Who DOES THAT!
Martha, I guess.
So I was all excited because I had a little box in the mail (yaay!), then I open the mailbox and inside is (yaay!) my Everday Food magazine. Oh how I love this magazine. I have every single issue, well, except for the first one. I was a month slow. So now I have like one billion issues. And I recommend them to everyone, I talk about them when I do organizational consultations and speaking engagements and say that if they want to be awesome, step one is to get Martha Stewart's Everyday Food magazine. Duh.
Well NOT ANYMORE, MS. MARTHA!
No, no, not anymore at all. You see, my sweet little bundle of joy magazine came wrapped in a sweet little plastic wrap with a precious little note on the outside of it. I took a look at it.
Hooray! Martha has something wonderful to say, I bet. Maybe she'll thank me for my years of having her mini-magazine! Probs. Now, let's see here...
...um, excuse me, what? You're "changing formats"? What the? Okaaaay, well that has nothing to do with me...um, what? You're DISCONTINUING it? You're "absorbing it" into the regular magazine and featuring it only five times a year?
This can't be. This isn't right. Martha, don't you know I have nearly every issue? Don't you know I love it?
Unbreak my heaaaaaart, say you love me agaaaaain, undo this hurt that you caused when you walked out the door and walked outta my life, uncry these teeeeeeeeeeeears, I cried so many nights...
Or I just called customer service.
Mark: "Everyday Food, this is Mark, how can I help you?"
Me: "Hi. Mark. I am calling today because, well, because I am sad. I am so sad you are discontinuing Everyday Food. This is a bit tragic."
Mark: "I'm very sorry about that, Daisy."
Me: "It's not your fault. But I am still sad. And so, I am calling to express my extreme displeasure. I want you to add my name to the pile of people who are lamenting the loss of this good magazine. Do you know, Mark, that I have every single issue (well, except for one - the first one)? I love this magazine."
Mark: "Well, we are going to be absorbing it into Martha Stewart Living, and based on your subscription, we can transfer over the balance to that magazine."
Me: "I already get that one too."
Mark: "Ah, yes, so you do. We will add your subscription on to the other one."
Me: "Thank you. Well, I must go. On Thanksgiving, I will have a drink in your honor, well, not yours, but to Everyday Food."
Mark: "And light a candle."
Me: "Of course."
(p.s. I just read this to my hubby and he said, "That is not a real conversation, is it?" Oh honey, oh yes of course it so very much was.)
And so ends the long relationship I have treasured with Martha's Everyday Food. I stood with her during her hard times and now she is totally ditching me. I stood with her, supporting her when she had to be on house arrest and have her company taken over by someone else because she was accused of evil insider trading thingies. I saw her on the news, shackles on her feet, but I stood by, cheering her on, telling her I'd be her for her on the flip side. I said, "You just sit in your fancy little, er, giant, house and organize and do crafts and clean it until you can see your face in every reflection! You're strong! You can do this! Everything's gonna be all right!"
And for what.
Oh, yeah, and right before Thanksgiving. Well THANKS a lot, Martha. Let's just go through the holidays and try not to think about how you won't come around anymore in January. Let's not talk about how December will be your last time popping over for a visit in the same way you always used to do. I'll pretend your glitter glue at Michael's is just as sparkly as it ever was and you just go on your merry way.
Well you know what? When Petite Sophisticate jumped ship, you know - it was hard. For a while I didn't know where to shop. But not now, Martha. You better believe it. I am much happier with the glittery, sparkly Forever XXI anyway.
I guess it's time to pick up that subscription card I've had on my fridge for the last few weeks to Urban Farm magazine and give them a call.
Sniff. The night is sad but joy comes in the morning.
Peace, love and GOODBYE MARTHA,