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Monday, August 18, 2014

An Incredible Display of Incompetence: Trugreen = True Buffoonery

The scene: a spelling bee world championship.  
The players: three homeschooler finalists and a panel of judges.

Judge #1:  Please spell incompetence. 
The very definition of incompetence.

Homeschooler #1: Might you use it in a sentence, please?
Judge #1: The company Trugreen lawncare shows nothing but extreme and wild incompetence in all of its transactions.
Homeschooler #1:  Could you please tell me the definition?
Judge #2:  Let me explain it to you, sonny - it's a little story and it goes something like this...

One day a salesman came to my house.  He was a Trugreen salesman.  Now we already had a lawncare service - an all organic service that used nitrogen on our lawn and made it nice and healthy and not made of World War II bomb products.  But Mr. Trugreen Salesman promised us that they too had a wonderful nitrogen organic treatment that they would be happy to apply to our lawn - for the fraction of the price!

Well, alrighty.  I suppose we could give it a try.  We're always looking for ways to save money when we can, right?

Mr. Trugreen Sprayer Man comes, yes, he has a snaggle tooth and a molester mustache and looks at women like they are grass-fed T-bone steaks, and yes, besides spraying toxic chemicals all day long, he also chain smokes.  Well, this should prove to be interesting, no?

Spray #1 happens.  Nitrogen applied.  Hooray.

Spray #2 happens.  I talk to Snaggle Tooth and he says he "added a little extra for me", some grub control.  I wonder if my hubby ordered that, and go promptly inside to discuss my horror at such a thing as it is 100% pure toxins.  Hubby says he did not order it.  How did we get it then?

Call the company.  They don't know.  

Spray #3 happens.  Snaggle tooth has sprayed toxic chemicals.  You know, the kind that I would boycott with signs on the side of the road in a protest?  I call the company, concerned, perplexed, and freaking out.  They have no idea how this happened.

We are now totally fed up.  The grass is dead.  We have chemicals on our lawn.  MY lawn.  You know, the organic, hippie, compost bin, permaculture gardener, non-toxic to the all the way max lawn people?  And crazysauce sprayed WWII bombs on it.  My blood begins to boil.

I call with flamboyant words to share that express the very depths of my raw emotion, and although it is not the fault of the woman on the phone (I repeat to her a few times) I am beyond irate and consider making up new swear* words just for the occasion.

Hubby calls and tells them we have to break up with them and we'd like a refund for killing our grass, spraying it with death chemicals and not giving us the service that we were promised.  They agree.

They mail a check for the wrong amount.  A much smaller amount than it ought to have been.

We call again to straighten it out.  We ask to speak to the manager five times.  Manager never calls back (still hasn't).

We cancel the account and try to put it behind us.

Until today.

Oh no.  Please no.  What is this?  I drive up to my house.  There is one of those little plastic signs in the corner of my grass.  Oh sweet sandwiches and cheese, for all that is good and decent, please tell me that is NOT a "I just sprayed your lawn with a carcinogenic, mutagenic, toxic chemical of death again" sign.

It is.

Phone call.  Hi customer service person, I am calling because I have a tiny little (uber-sarcastic tone) problem.  I have cancelled my service with your company because they are total nincompoop buffoons who keep spraying toxic chemicals when I ordered organic nitrogen and for some reason YOUR SNAGGLETOOTH MOLESTER came back and sprayed my lawn today.  I am going to lose my entire mind right now.

Customer Service Rep: Um, I am not sure how this happened.  Your account is closed.

Me: How on earth is it possible that Mo Lester sprayed my lawn again today?  Is this for real?  Not only did you NOT give me what I wanted, but you gave me something I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever want in one zillion million billion trillion years.  THREE TIMES.

Customer Service Rep:  I don't know.

Me: For the love of all that is good and decent, please send a personal message to Mo Lester that if he comes back to my property, I am going to go ape.  Have you processed our refund?

Customer Service Rep: looks like they submitted a request.

Me: Thanks.

Homeschooler #1: I-n-c-o-m-p-e-t-e-n-c-e.  Incompetence.

Judge #1:  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

Peace, love and for your homework, please discuss at what point it is ethical to put landmines in your front lawn,
Ms. Daisy

*p.s. When I say swear words, I do mean words like "stinky blinky waggle baggle moo muffin!"  Just in case you thought I was a sailor.

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