Search it!

Monday, July 22, 2013

But I Like The Poison Drink of Death! It's fun!

Hi dears.  Do you know the Adam Sandler skit about Fatty McGhee taking the stairs?  Fatty is obese and has a serious wheezing problem when he walks up flights of stairs.  He begins wheezing so loudly that he even makes firemen think that the fire alarm is going off from his near hysterical noises and when they ask him (since he does this all the time) why he takes the stairs (knowing this problem is going to happen to him), he responds with, "But I like the stairs!"

They ask why.  He responds, "They're fun!"

Idiotic, isn't it?

(I know, but Adam Sandler is kind of totally hilarious.)

You ain't gonna like it, but I'm about to talk about (dum da dummmm)...the poison drink of death, a.k.a. pop/soda (or whatever else you call it - Coke?).  (Sorry, J.D.  You know I just gotta do it.)

Let me tell you what encouraged me to stop drinking pop almost ten years ago (next month is my 10 year anniversary of quitting).  It is vain and pathetic.  I was basically told about the amount of sugar (in teaspoons) in an average can of pop and how fat I would get from continuing to drink it.  So for the sake of vanity, I stopped.  Here's the deal - a gram is 1/4 teaspoon.  Go grab a pop.  How many grams of sugar are there in your pop?  Divide that number by 4.  Now, go humor me.  Grab a glass.  Get out your sugar bowl and a teaspoon.  Put that amount of sugar into an empty glass to see what that looks like.

It looks absurd.

I looked up Coke and it says it's got 44 grams of sugar.  That is ELEVEN TEASPOONS OF SUGAR.  Seriously.  If you make some lemonade for yourself at home, you would have to be out of your freakin' mind to put eleven teaspoons of sugar in your glass.  I know because I used to do things like that (See: encouragement through horrifying you).

This is not even the worst of it.  Recently, since the California state legislature decided to label caramel coloring a carcinogen, Pepsi decided that they would change their manufacturing process.  But obviously, just in California.  OBVIOUSLY.  So smart.  The rest of us clearly want caramel color carcinogen in our drinks.

Yes.  Caramel color is also known as 4-methylimidazole (4-MEI).  Oh, sounds like something in the cupboard behind the baking soda.  Er, not.  At all.  So here’s what you always wanted to know!  (I’m so glad I get to be the one to tell you.)  Do you know how caramel color is made?  Oh, you’re going to be so excited to go out and try this!  Okay, okay.  Go get some sugar.  Now get some ammonia.  Now get some sulfites.  Ready?  Mix them together at high temperatures and drink away!  Sounds delish.

One more bummer about caramel coloring – it accumulates in your body and compounds to have a cumulative effect on you.  Well, I mean, it’s just a carcinogen, so probs not a big deal.  Obvs.

Let’s look at the other healthy and nutritious ingredients in pop instead.

High Fructose Corn Syrup:  What’s the big deal?  Hasn’t the corn industry convinced us that it’s just perfectly natural?  And we should just have some in moderation?  How could it hurt, anyway?  (Have you seen the movie King Corn?  You should.)

Oh.  Diabetes.  It also increases strain on your pancreas and according to research, leads to pancreatic cancer (good thing that’s not on the rise, eh?).  That won’t happen to me, no, no.  I’m going to ignore this.  Is that all there is?  Actually, no.  You also get the extra bonus of an increased risk of developing metabolic syndrome – that’s where you get extra fat around your stomach and double bonus: on your organs too!  It also increases your blood pressure, lowers your “good cholesterol”, and throws you into the delightful category of obese.  Metabolic syndrome leads to heart disease, stroke and diabetes.  Great.

What else is there?

Sodium Benzoate, of course!  Mix this puppy with citric acid and you’ve got yourself a known carcinogen cocktail: benzene.  Benzene increases your risk of leukemia and other cancers.  (More details here: delicious benzene)

Then we’ve got phosphoric acid.  Now here’s some good news – we need phosphorus in our bodies.  Here’s some bad news – when you drink phosphoric acid, you get an imbalance of phosphorus.  This eats your liver and stomach lining (but seriously, who needs those) and bonks the pH of your kidneys off the charts.  An increase in phosphorus in your body means calcium can’t be absorbed and starts getting sucked out of your bones and teeth.  Let’s add osteoporosis to the pile now.  But wait, there’s more!  If you act now, you can also get kidney stones at no extra charge!  That’s because as we age, kidneys are less able to flush extra phosphorus out of our bodies.  The overall imbalance of phosphorus and calcium in your body increases the risk of hypertension and colon cancer.

Are we done yet?  Heck no!

Let’s talk about those artificial sweeteners.  Saccharin is in there.  You know how to make that, right?  Go on, open your cupboard and get out the petroleum.  Yep.  F’real.  That should be delicious when we mix it up with the ammonia from the caramel coloring.  Can’t wait.  Saccharin has been fairly well studied and we’ve seen the carcinogenic effects on the bladder and female reproductive organs for quite some time.

And don’t forget aspartame.  (See more here: why aspartame is murdering your face off)  That one can help you get some leukemia, lymphoma and some brain tumors.

So let’s review.  Ingredients in pop have ZERO health positives, but here is what you can get:
-         Carcinogenic caramel color made with ammonia (liver, lung and thyroid cancer, specifically)
-         Pancreatic cancer
-         Metabolic syndrome – leads to heart disease, stroke and diabetes
-         Higher blood pressure
-         Lower good cholesterol
-         General fatness through beloved obesity
-         Leukemia
-         An eaten away liver and stomach lining
-         Bone loss, osteoporosis
-         Rotted teeth
-         Kidney stones
-         Hypertension
-         Colon cancer
-         Bladder cancer
-         Female reproductive organ cancer
-         Leukemia (twice, in case you tried to get around it the first time)
-         Lymphoma
-         Brain tumors

I heard the poison drink of death tastes great with pizza.  It’s totally worth it.  In fact, perhaps you can even feed it to your children whom you love so much and would do anything to protect.

Awww!  Sounds so good!

Let me ask the million dollar question.  Why do you drink pop?  Ever?  (Yeah, I don’t care if it’s twice a year.  Why?)

Say it.  Say, “Cuz I like it!”  (Yummy!)

No?  How about, “Because it’s fun!”

Sounds fun!  Hey McGhee, go climb the stairs again.

I tried.  (If I didn’t love ya, I wouldn’t tell ya.  Live, dang it, LIVE!)

Peace, love and pass me the kombucha,
Ms. Daisy

No comments:

Post a Comment