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Friday, September 20, 2013

No Cool Whip!

Hello, lovely people!

We recently attended a family birthday party and the birthday girl asked for her favorite cake.  Her favorite cake dessert included Cool Whip.  The dessert provider also brought another dessert which we did eat (and fresh organic strawberries, YEAAAY MOM!), but alas, the Cool Whippy dessert we did not.
Look!  A plastic container filled with poison!

I really and truly don't mind one bit not eating dessert at a party.  I have spent a lot of time enjoying fruit (No, really.  Seriously.  Like, I mean, I LIKE it.  It's all yay-happy-yummsicles around here when I have some.) and other things that now genuinely taste better to me than what may once have been a tempting sweet.  

But herein lies the disturbing part.  Sometimes people think that I feel like I am missing out on something when I do not partake of Cool-Whippy desserts and the like.  Or maybe they think I am a big old jerkface ninny head poopy weirdo.  It's a toss up.  (Leaning toward the Probably Both category.)  

Now when it goes out of my personal realm and goes into the realm of the offsprings, then you know that all the peeps up in the hiz-ouse are going to be thinking I have traded in my title of Mom of These Offsprings to something like Devil of Cruel Torture.  

(Never mind that they have stuffed their little faces with plethoras of cookies.)

Back to the Devil of Cruel Torture.  You can't really explain in a quick minute why you are not letting your offsprings eat Cool Whippy dessert.  Especially to someone who is eating the Cool Whippy dessert.

So, just for kicks, I thought I'd explain to all a ya'll why on God's green earth I would not ever partake of the quasi-food that is so eloquently named "Cool Whip".

Reason #1:  Cool Whip is NOT food.  (Dude.  Can't you tell by the name?!)

Wikipedia states: "Cool Whip Original is made of waterhydrogenated vegetable oil (including coconut and palm oils), high fructose corn syrupcorn syrupskim milklight cream, and less than 2% sodium caseinate (a milk derivative), natural and artificial flavorxanthan and guar gums, polysorbate 60sorbitan monostearate, and beta carotene (as a coloring)."

Holy crapola, but that just SOUNDS SO YUMMY.

Just as I wouldn't allow my children to eat paint chips, plastic bottles, Drano, magazines, or to suck on USB drives or live monkeys (although that last one there is a bit more organic than others on the list), I am one of those strict and terrible mothers who demand that their children eat food.  The horror.  The shame.  

But it's on the shelf at the grocery store!  It must be food!  Homie, please.  When you start making your own polysorbate 60 and sorbitan monostearate in your kitchen, you just go ahead and give me a call and let me know which plant you harvested from your family farm in order to do so.

Reason #2:  Because I don't want the offsprings to die early, painful deaths

The first ingredient after water is hydrogenated vegetable oil.  Hopefully this vegetable oil is NOT corn oil or soybean oil, you know, the two most GMO'ed Frankenfoods ever?  Because then we'd have to talk about what on earth is wrong with pretending you've figured out more than God.  (Not to mention the rest of the long list of health risks and issues that arise from eating something that is genetically modified - bet you never thought that "you are what you eat" thing was true...)

So what is the big deal anyway, skipping entirely over the excessively gigantic category that is the deathly GMO products and going just for the risk of consuming the non-food of partially hydrogenated oils?  Here are some thoughts from researchers who have taken an in-depth look at this ingredient, GMO-ing aside.

Trans fats make the coronary arteries more rigid and contribute to the formation of blood clots, which can lead to heart attack or stroke. Trans fats also reduce HDL ("good") cholesterol levels and increase LDL ("bad") cholesterol. According to a study by Dr. Walter Willett, chairman of the department of nutrition at the Harvard School of Public Health, approximately 30,000 premature heart disease deaths each year can be attributed to the consumption of trans fats.
Bottom Line's Health Breakthroughs 2007 by Bottom Line Health

The downside for consumers is the dangerous trans fats that are formed with hydrogenation. The ingestion of partially hydrogenated vegetable oils and the trans fats that are formed with this process has been linked to increases in cancer, heart disease, and many other chronic degenerative disorders. What is wrong with trans fats? Trans fats, formed during hydrogenation, are actually toxic substances for our cell membranes. When our cells contain an overabundance of trans fats, the cells become leaky and distorted. This can promote vitamin and mineral deficiencies.
The Guide to Healthy Eating by M.D. David Brownstein

It is speculated that substituting foods rich in trans fats with polyunsaturated fats could reduce the risk of type 2 diabetes by nearly 40 percent (Salmeron et al. 2001). - Disease Prevention and Treatment by the Life Extension Foundation As this study shows, there exists evidence that trans fats also promote diabetes in adult human beings. If you didn't have enough reasons to avoid trans fats already (heart disease and cancer), this is a third one: diabetes.
Grocery Warning: How to recognize and avoid the groceries that cause cancer, diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and other common diseases by Mike Adams

The next ingredient is high fructose corn syrup.  If you genuinely don't know how this is dangerous for you, you may possibly have been living inside of some weird reality TV show under a rock somewhere on the South Orkney Islands.  Or on Mars.  Here's the quick recap: Type II diabetes, metabolic syndrome, obesity, and if you're one of the lucky 50%, you can hope for some type of neurodegeneration from the mercuric byproducts remaining from the formulation of this chemical nightmare.

Skim milk and light cream (oxymoron much?).  Oh muh goodness.  Skim milk.  I'm sure this is organic, grass-fed sourced milk for one thing.  Secondly, let's hope the cows were not eating GMO corn and thus giving you GMO milk.  And let's skip quickly through the fact that it is completely adulterated, forced through a metal sieve, and totally and udderly (ha!) unnatural.  If you want to read more on the dangers, check this out: Is skim milk making you fat and sick?

Next up, sodium caseinate.  Search this phrase with the word "toxic" and you can spend a few hours of fun reading up on such fun things.  Here's an article that deals specifically with sodium caseinate:  Something wrong with your protein supplement?

I'm going to skip down to polysorbate 60.  The polysorbates are a class of crapola that has been hanging out with the I Create Infertility hoodrats, a group of peeps you seriously don't even want to see coming down your block, let alone let them come on in and live in your kitchen and chillax on your table.  You really think the mass infertility is totally random?  C'mon, my lovies, you're smarter than that.  It's not rocket science.  It's coming from our newfangled ideas of what we ought to put into our bodies.

Do you know that traditional cultures believed in (generally) a six month period of eating special foods - for the male and female - before they were to reproduce?  This was to insure that their children would be of optimal health and strength.  Ever heard of that around here?  Nope, didn't think so.  Now we've got peeps cramming McDonald's fries down their throats while their itty bitty tries to grow on the inside.  I think we may have missed that memo.

I really can't even bear going through the rest of it, suffice to say that it is just all straight up junky crapola.  

Here's another article of why you shouldn't eat the crazysauce.  And another on a Cool Whippy twelve day experiment.  And here is the most ridiculously hilarious thing that you could find on one of those Ask Questions to the General Public type of websites, where a person suggests that COCONUT OIL or palm oil is the cause of their bad reaction to Cool Whip - you can guess how far my mouth dropped open and how many times I slapped my forehead in response to such intelligence.

And you know, if you find yourself in such a situation and you, too, do not feel it exactly appropriate to extrapolate abundances of information regarding the aforementioned food toxins, you can always resort to, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"

I'm pretty sure that's more socially acceptable, anyway.

Peace, love and food by any other name would smell as sweet (just never mind the toxins, please),
Ms. Daisy

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