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Thursday, June 16, 2016

Irony, a little bit wrinkly

Do you ever feel as if you're part of a Seinfeld episode?  It's like slight comedic irony, and you're in the middle of it.

Such a thing recently happened to me and I found it to be rather potently ironic.

Before I begin, I need you to set aside your firm belief that you hold dearly to your sweet little heart regarding your very (obviously) correct stance on vaccinations.  The main gist here is not to debate vaccinations; it is merely the space for me to express twinges of irony.  So, please, and thank you.

We can debate that on another post, I'm happy to do so.  Debate makes me ecstatic, actually.  Fires me up real nice like, gets my blood pumping all happy and my brain whirring madly.  Even when you adamantly disagree with me, I'll still usually be thrilled with you for participating in debate for the sheer joy of it all.  (You don't have to cringe, peacemakers, it's simply how some of us are wired.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

The state in which I live requires by law that if you are not current on the vaccinations of your offspring and want to enroll them in school, you must to go to a brainwashing session and sign statements that you are essentially a horrid person, member of society, and most importantly, parent.  You mustn't change the wording one iota, you must sign it as the almighty state declares it.  Otherwise, no school.  You may still claim non-medical exemptions (religious: I'm not cool with injecting aborted or otherwise fetal cells into my child; philosophical: vaccinations do not work except in very specific diseases, the dangers outweigh the potential benefits, I hate The Man, I think injecting aluminum or mercury - ethyl or methyl - into your bloodstream at any level is idiotic, whatever.).  You may also claim medical exemptions, as in your child was previously vaccine damaged or had a significant reaction.

When you do this, you must go and "be educated" by a nurse who is an agent of the county health department and have a waiver signed and stamped to prove that you went to his or her re-education (potentially, but not necessarily, in Room 101) session.  You wouldn't think of doing anything otherwise, would you, you Delta?  Nice khaki, btw.

I was not thrilled to be subjected to the state in such a manhandling type of tyrant and anti-freedomesque way, but after I thought about it for a little while, I realized that you will never change anything big without some form of conflict and that I ought to man up, pull up the big girl panties and dive in headfirst.  If they want to discuss vaccines, I will be ready.  I know why I believe what I do, and I know why I've chosen what I have for my littles, so their methods of potential intimidation and strong-arming me were of no consequence.

I am a firm believer in that how you are perceived on the outside is going to have some effect on how people treat you.  You may wish this were not so, but imagine with me, if you will - if you show up to an interview with a CEO of a Fortune 500 company with a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, ripped jean shorts, and dirty flip flops hoping to get hired on your wit and charm as a top level exec, you may have just taken a large dump on your chances.  I had a meeting with a client that day, so I was wearing a professional outfit, and I brought along my laptop for notes and ammo (if it was going to get down and dirty).  I was prepared inside and out.

As I approached the door of the building, I noticed that in order to be let in, you had to be buzzed in.  In I went.  The office within the building had the same setup, so I had to be buzzed in again.  Why is the county health department under such tight security?  This seems a bit odd to me.  Do they have a lot of people with communicable diseases banging down their doors and windows?  (Get out of here, you Ebola face!)  Or are they afraid that anti-vaxxers are going to protest them?  Either way (or whether for some other reason), I still found it to be slightly off putting.  Maybe it is for the psychological factor instead.  At any rate, that was the setup.

I was led into an otherwise starkly decorated and outdated waiting room filled with propaganda posters (of which I took a video so that I could gag and roll my eyes later for whenever my heart desired).  I sat down in that nice cushy, brown, upholstered chair and popped out my laptop and did some work.

After a few minutes, the re-education nurse appeared in the doorway to escort me to her office.

Please do not take this the wrong way.  Just listen to me and hear me out.  Let us reason together, shall we?

The middle-aged woman who appeared in the doorway was supposed to be my educator for wellness.  As an agent of the state in this specific jurisdiction and as a nurse, she ought to be a proponent for health, which would reflect in her own person, her habits, and in her lifestyle.  I fully expected her to be healthy and well with her vast knowledge of health, medicine, and wellness.  The woman who appeared in the doorway did not represent health.  She represented the epitome of morbidly obese.  From what I guessed her biometrics to be, her BMI would have been near 60.  She had a significant difficulty walking because of it.

Hold up, before you think I am prejudiced against the obese.  I understand that there are people out there who have conditions that affect weight.  I know that there are people with thyroid issues that mess up your weight, your metabolism, and all the rest.  I understand that your genetics play a factor in your weight.  I get it.  Perhaps all of these things were true for her.  I didn't ask.  That isn't the point.  The point is that she was not well.  She could not walk!  The underlying reason was unknown to me, but the blatant fact was clear - she was not the image of someone in good health, yet she was going to instruct me on topics of health and wellness!

I sat down at the desk in her (also starkly decorated) office and took a quick look around at my surroundings.  Her desk was very plain, but it contained a few things that sent warning signals off in my head.  There was the occasional pile of paper, but my eyes landed on the few non-paper items on her desk: an Arby's disposable cup filled with a dark brown liquid, a highly perfumed and scented lotion from a well-known lotiony store, and a Costco-sized container with a pump top of an anti-bacterial hand goo.

Dear holy God in heaven above, please help this lady!  Do you not know that your weight is likely connected to your endocrine system and you are murdering it in every direction?  I've been here for four seconds and I can tell you three things that you are doing that are torturing your hormones and screwing with your metabolism!  You're a NURSE for Pete's sake!  Do you really not know this or are you just ignoring the information that is out there that would help you to feel better, lose weight, and have more energy?  If the former, then why are you educating me on what it is to be well when you don't know it yourself?  If it is the latter, what other information are you ignoring in order to get through your life?

Your dark brown liquid (please say this isn't a diet pop, please, please, tell me it isn't) likely contains a cauldron of chemicals that affect your calcium and phosphorus balance in your body, enough sugar to make you sprint your way to Type II diabetes, ruin your immune system, and artificial flavors and colors (Caramel color?  Oh that's just ammonia burned with sugar.  That's probably really good for you.).  The smelly lotion that is sitting on your desk is a bazooka to your endocrine system and a pile of parabens just waiting to water and plant cancerous seeds into your body.  The antibac goo shines gloriously in triclosan, which fosters endocrine disruption, bacterial and compounded antibacterial resistance, not to mention how it also contaminates our water system and pollutes the world (and yes, of course it's banned in Europe, but we're always behind in what we allow because the government is too busy making out with the companies who make the chemicals to be bothered with the health of the masses to do anything).

But please, tell me how I can be healthy and make my offspring so.

I suppose we don't really have to make sense when we're working with the government, but this is mind-blowingly insane.

She sneezed.  She said that the weather was wonderful, but for allergy sufferers, it was really something else.  She reached over and pumped a large glob of goo onto her hands and slathered it all over herself.  My soul inside my body was doing that thing that you used to do as a child when you slinked down your chair at the table and onto the floor like a spineless snake.  The frustration, irony, and pathetic nature of it all could not be contained.  (She needs Norwex.  I shall help.)

She handed me a pile of lovely pastel papers listing the reasons the CDC declared it utterly and completely safe to inject infants, babies, and children with vaccines, even though they contain polysorbate-80 (infertility agent), formaldehyde (carcinogen), thimerosal (neurotoxin), aborted fetal tissue, aluminum derivatives (Alzheimer's please), MSG (excitotoxin), sorbitol/aspertame/sucrose (ohhhhhhmyyyyyyyyyyygooooooooooosh), chick embryos, monkey cells, mouse serum proteins, vesicle fluid from calf skins, and so much more.

The bottom line is this - if you are going to be a representative of good health, you ought to be generally well.  Yes, there are times of illness, obviously.  That's life.  Yes, there are times when you do something stupid that will affect your health.  There are times when you just choose that chocolate cake over carrots, and that may be your moderation.  I get it.  But if you are specifically employed to educate people on health and wellness and disease avoidance, should you not exemplify some aspects of wellness?

My dear friends who are physicians and nurses and health coaches - we've got to be the example.  How will people believe you otherwise?  Why should they?  Please take care of yourselves so you can take care of others.  Who else will lead the world in a charge toward health?  We need you.  May I encourage and implore you to fulfill your calling well.

You know I totally am going to sell that lady some Norwex and yes, I did give her my health coaching card.

She told me that if my offspring weren't updated next year and each year following on their vaccinations that I'd need to come back and do this annually.

See you next year, my dear.

Peace, love, and please be well,
Ms. Daisy

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