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Saturday, October 10, 2015

The best ideas for a facial ever. Not.

If there is a chance for me to do something weird, I'm probably going to do it, unless it involves drastic danger or non-organic foods (let's get real here).  Last night I came upon such a chance and jumped in both feet.  Since this is my life, things did not go exactly as anticipated.

(Case in point:  One time, I bludgeoned my toe INSIDE A SPINNING VACUUM HEAD.  How?  Oh, you know.  I was trying to get that sucker into the other room up on to the carpet, lifted it, and gave it a shove with my foot - and at that second, the 90 degree angle of the vacuum head dropped and that whirling tornado of decapitating death coincided with the swing of my foot and in went the toes.  The yells of torture resonated throughout the house.  The family approached slowly.  ""  They seem to have been anticipating a fountain of blood spewing out of my severed toes based on the instantaneous drop to the floor, fetal position, and howling that accompanied this drastic scene.  I'm good.  It's all good.  Just back up.  Or bring me some ice wine.  Whatever.)
Well, last night I was on pinterest, the land of great ideas that you should try (or just pin and never actually do).  I probably have subscribed to natural or homemade beauty and this pin popped up advertising the creation of those Biore rip-your-skin-off strips.  You know those, right?  I used to use them quite a bit, but now I read their ingredients.  They have some horrible thing in there - either a paraben or a polysorbate, so I dumped them when I read that and haven't used one of those for a long time.  They are kind of fun, however, which made me slightly sad to see them go.

Well, I had to see how you could possibly make a Biore strip.  That just seemed so strange!  Her recipe and instructions were simple enough, and I had the ingredients on hand, so I figured I'd try it.  Your skin will be glowing, they said.  You'll love it, they said.  Just try it, they said.

here is a girl looking radiant
and happy after using her
homemade biore strip
Simply mix a couple tablespoons of milk with a couple tablespoons of gelatin and warm it up, then put it on your face.  Ohhhkaaay.  Her instructions included using a microwave (psh, no, don't have one of those), so I just heated it up on a pot.  It smelled so gross.  Warm milk, ew.  But she promised nice smooth skin, so the torture of stench seemed worth it at the time.

When the blobby mixture was nice and warm, I took it over to the bathroom to minimize my mess that I knew would ensue.  I used a tiny itty bitty spoon to pour the concoction on my face and the back of the spoon to smear it on.  This was kind of weird to say the least.  I had drippy milky gelatin pouring down my cheeks and I was patting my face with a spoon.  Oh well!  Not to be deterred by stench or spoons on my face, I persisted in such weirdness.

All I had to do after was just simply to wait for it to dry a bit, then start peeling.  

So, it's not really drying.  Did I put too much on?  Or does this have too much milk and not enough gelatin?  It's collecting at my chin in a river of grossness.  I have a beard of milk jello.  This is going to be great, I can already tell.  Stay hopeful, it's not over yet.

After several minutes, I supposed some parts of it were dry.  I started peeling the jello beard and it was like I was in elementary school again and had poured Elmers on my hands.  Sort of fun, but not really feeling like it's cleaning pores or anything, it's just a strange science experiment at this point.

And then.

I got to the parts up higher on my face that had a much thinner layer of milk jello (so sick).  These parts were my very sensitive cheeks.  This, of course, dried to a crisp.  It was glued onto my face with vigor.  If I didn't know better, I would have supposed it had fused into my face and become part of it.  I found a corner to start pulling, and the stabbing pain of the pinchy, rippy, torture made my eyes involuntarily water a fountain of tears.  This is great.  My face is turning red from what feels like violently using a dry razor on my cheek.  Or a wolverine slashing my skin off.  Or boiling my face in hot peppers.  Something along those lines.

Now I may not have mentioned it, but just prior to doing this experiment, I saw another great idea on pinterest about using turmeric and rose water on your face to improve complexion and so much I did that right before the skin removal party.  Have you cooked with turmeric?  Touch it ever?  Are your fingers still orange?  Good, because my face was.

So let's see here.  If you follow these good instructions for a special facial treatment, you can end up with:

- an orange face
- ripped off skin

- milk smell/beard
- red skin where you ripped it off

I mean, really - what do you have to lose!

I hope to do it again really soon.

Peace, love, and if you rub turmeric on your face in just the right pattern, you can kind of make an orange beard (and who wouldn't want that),
Ms. Daisy

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