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Thursday, May 22, 2014

I have orange hair. Organic hair color FAIL.

Think of your worst nightmare.  Is it that you have orange hair?  No, no, no.  I didn't say red, nor did I say auburn.  I said orange.  See the color of the blogger thingy?  Yeah.  Orange.

Well, that might not be your worst nightmare, but it is mine, and NOW, it is MY REALITY.

Yes.  I am Ronald McDonald's sister.  I am Carrot Top's cousin.  Except they have the complexion to pull it off and I have three colors I can never wear.  They are: orange, yellow and brown.

I can't wear my head.

What did I do?

Yes.  Really.  What did I do!

Well, it all started because blonde hair is so awesome.  You know how I am obsessed with blonde hair.  I love blonde hair.  I used to have blonde hair!  Well, that is, until it turned brown.  I let it all grow out because I was soooooooooo freaked out about the chemicals.  And then I had sad sad brown hair.  That sad brown hair I would pay $250 to get back right now.

But for the last two years I decided I had to give up and forget about blonde hair.  I let it all grow out to its natural state.  It was a sad state of very medium brown-ness with some auburn highlights.  But it was not good enough.  Who wants brown hair when you can have BLONDE!

I changed my mind when I started reading about organic hair color.  I was avoiding it all because of the ammonia, the dyes and the chemicals.  But if there was really an organic color that worked, DUDE SIGN ME UP RIGHT NOW.

I looked for a salon that was around that carried it.  I found one about 30 miles away. I got a babysitter.  I researched it.  I specifically asked the owner, "This works for brown hair to change it to blonde, right?  No orange, right?  I don't want orange.  I don't want strawberry blonde.  I don't want Ronald McDonald.  I want ASH.  Can it do this?"

"Yes."  said the liar.

I made the appointment.  I skipped out of the house just imagining how I would come back in, blonde flowing locks behind me, just ready for summer.  What a great day this would be.

Well, except for the dog barfing a pile of grass on the carpet.

I told lots of friends, "Next week I will be blonde!"

I texted a picture of myself to the hubby saying something along the lines of sayonara, brown hair!!!!!!

I went in to the salon.  The owner was going to personally do my hair.  Should be great.  Color blobbed on.  Under the dryer 30 minutes.


Wash.  I say, "I'm really surprised.  Usually my hair takes about 1 hour and 40 minutes and that's with bleach, so this stuff must be really amazing."

Rinse.  Dry.  Hair is half of a shade lighter than its current self.  It is brown.

Um.  ?  Dude?  Please make my hair blonde.

Applies another color layer.  Sloshes it all over my head.  Wait 30 minutes under the dryer.  Ding!


"Dude.  I am panicking.  Do SOMETHING.  I said NO ORANGE."

The dude says, "Oooh!  You want blonde!!!!!!  Oh!  You need bleach then!"

Me: "No.  You said your product would work.  I am Ronald McDonald right now.  Fix it.  I can't do this."

Dude puts bleach highlights on my orange hair.

Sooooo much better!  I now have orange and yellow hair!  WOW!  SO GOOD.  I HAVE STRIPES!  Thank goodness.  This is so much better.  False.

Tomorrow I'm getting brown hair again.

Moral of the story: Live with your horrifyingly stupid brown hair.  It may be totally ugly and boring, but at least you don't look like a GMO clown.

Peace, love and the helpful little told me to shave my head,
Ms. Daisy

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