Think of your worst nightmare. Is it that you have orange hair? No, no, no. I didn't say red, nor did I say auburn. I said orange. See the color of the blogger thingy? Yeah. Orange.
Well, that might not be your worst nightmare, but it is mine, and NOW, it is MY REALITY.
Yes. I am Ronald McDonald's sister. I am Carrot Top's cousin. Except they have the complexion to pull it off and I have three colors I can never wear. They are: orange, yellow and brown.
I can't wear my head.
What did I do?
Yes. Really. What did I do!
Well, it all started because blonde hair is so awesome. You know how I am obsessed with blonde hair. I love blonde hair. I used to have blonde hair! Well, that is, until it turned brown. I let it all grow out because I was soooooooooo freaked out about the chemicals. And then I had sad sad brown hair. That sad brown hair I would pay $250 to get back right now.
But for the last two years I decided I had to give up and forget about blonde hair. I let it all grow out to its natural state. It was a sad state of very medium brown-ness with some auburn highlights. But it was not good enough. Who wants brown hair when you can have BLONDE!
I changed my mind when I started reading about organic hair color. I was avoiding it all because of the ammonia, the dyes and the chemicals. But if there was really an organic color that worked, DUDE SIGN ME UP RIGHT NOW.
I looked for a salon that was around that carried it. I found one about 30 miles away. I got a babysitter. I researched it. I specifically asked the owner, "This works for brown hair to change it to blonde, right? No orange, right? I don't want orange. I don't want strawberry blonde. I don't want Ronald McDonald. I want ASH. Can it do this?"
"Yes." said the liar.
I made the appointment. I skipped out of the house just imagining how I would come back in, blonde flowing locks behind me, just ready for summer. What a great day this would be.
Well, except for the dog barfing a pile of grass on the carpet.
I told lots of friends, "Next week I will be blonde!"
I texted a picture of myself to the hubby saying something along the lines of sayonara, brown hair!!!!!!
I went in to the salon. The owner was going to personally do my hair. Should be great. Color blobbed on. Under the dryer 30 minutes.
Wash. I say, "I'm really surprised. Usually my hair takes about 1 hour and 40 minutes and that's with bleach, so this stuff must be really amazing."
Rinse. Dry. Hair is half of a shade lighter than its current self. It is brown.
Um. ? Dude? Please make my hair blonde.
Applies another color layer. Sloshes it all over my head. Wait 30 minutes under the dryer. Ding!
Rinse. Dry. I HAVE ORANGE HAIR.
"Dude. I am panicking. Do SOMETHING. I said NO ORANGE."
The dude says, "Oooh! You want blonde!!!!!! Oh! You need bleach then!"
Me: "No. You said your product would work. I am Ronald McDonald right now. Fix it. I can't do this."
Dude puts bleach highlights on my orange hair.
Sooooo much better! I now have orange and yellow hair! WOW! SO GOOD. I HAVE STRIPES! Thank goodness. This is so much better. False.
Tomorrow I'm getting brown hair again.
Moral of the story: Live with your horrifyingly stupid brown hair. It may be totally ugly and boring, but at least you don't look like a GMO clown.
Peace, love and the helpful little told me to shave my head,
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